Where were you?

Friday my ultra sound showed THE result that was going to be THE deciding factor for the boys... but God must have other plans. After seeing no fluid & empty bladders I'm returned to my wing of the hospital and rushed to be put back on the heart monitor. A bed was wheeled to a spot outside of my room & I got on the phone to let Kyle know he may need to leave work soon & get here for the C-section. Then, somewhere along the line my team of docs & nurses haven't really heard much & the perinatologist on shift at the time had okayed the ultrasound since the heart monitoring showed no stress for the boys. We watied out the weekend anxiously & my doctor came back in today. Now here I sit, not having a C-section. 30 weeks and 2 days now. The doctors are all getting back on the same page today. I had an MRI on the boys' kidneys this morning. I have my routine ultra sound tomorrow. And I have no answers. And finally, that's okay with me.

After the first resident popped their head in my room this morning not knowing much of anything to tell me, I began giving in to the frustration & anxiety with how things operate here... how there are so many doctors and specialists on this case that it seems to take weeks for them to all get the information that I'm banking my kids' lives on. I began worrying over not getting answers, feeling the need for more to be done, wondering who's really aware of this and that thing about Noah & this and that about Jayden. I let that weight settle on my shoulders and began to expect more from myself: know more, ask more, insist on this or that.

As my blood boiled I remembered the most important thing: I am their home right now, I can't do this. I can't let my pulse get high, I can't lose it. They need me at peace, they need me resting. So I picked up my Bible & wondered what to read. Job came to mind. Job always comes to mind. Ever since I was a kid that was my "I don't get it & I don't want it" Bible story: the one you wanna just pluck out of the Bible and pretend wasn't there. Since the start of this journey with Noah & Jayden people have likened our situation to Job & I have smiled graciously and denied it in my mind silently. I don't know if its all like Job, but as Job came to mind I thought, "how did that end again?" So I didn't just start reading Job all the way through because obviously I didn't want to read it again in the first place but I found the end of the story & Job's confession. He said "I know that you can do all things & that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." "I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." "I had heard of you by the hearing of my ears, but now my eyes see you." {Chapter 24} Then I'm like... I guess I'd better find some context as all good students of the Bible have learned at Dakar Academy. I flipped a few chapters back and found God saying to Job {chapters 38-41}, "Where were you when..." followed by the wonders he has done like laying the earth's foundations, determining its measuremenets, making the sea etc.  And, "Have you ever" followed by a list of things like commanding day & night, seeing the gates of death, comprehending the expanse of the earth... things only HE has done.

...Nope I haven't.
I know that I am guilty like job of "uttering what I do not understand" about my body & my sons- his sons- growing inside of me. It's so tempting to cling to facts, Dr's opinions, my own deductions made from these things because I WANT ANSWERS. I want control... no, really I feel responsible to take control... to come up with answers & plans & understanding. The world says "Don't be ignorant. Demand answers. Know your plan. Know your desires. Press for information. Don't trust anyone." etc. But no matter how much I do that, God is holding me & my boys in His arms. I have asked God to have His will. I trust him. He knows the big picture. No information I get, nothing I DO will change the end result unless God wants it to. He will prompt me, he will help me know when and what to ask and otherwise I can just rest in His care. It isn't my plan for Noah & Jayden that I'm looking to carry out, its His... so up went my burden though it will continue to lurk around & tempt me... though it will settle around me like a dark cloud & try to ensnare me... I will continue to look to Him and try to remember that I have no clue and that's okay.