You could never see it coming.

When we took this picture, we hadn't even had time to think and hope and pray about all that twins would mean.

When I saw these pictures this day and heard that we'd have two sons, identical at that- we were blissful. Kyle quietly flashed the second most proud look he's ever made in his life at me as the ultra sound tech continued her measurements. {The first was when Hayley was born}

Now its weeks later. Many belly pictures later {though not as many as with Hayley! I confess.} I've been getting massages for new and growing aches & pains. Kyle's purchased the boys' first teddy bears {That's his job before each kid: choose their future snuggle buddy}.

The first daddy purchase for Noah & Jayden

We've bought a house in Canada for the second time {its under construction, available in June/July... we just like to do everything all at one time, lol}. Kyle's been framing for almost 2 months. I'm potty training Hayley. And I have a new lady doctor who's a great improvement over the last one. We've been sent for an ultra sound at the perinatal ie high risk clinic since we're expecting these wonderful twins.

 We didn't see it coming. 

After the routine, at least half an hour ultra sound on each baby we're waiting on the doctor to come in and report. That probably means some kind of news, right? As I walked to the washroom I passed a family counselling room. It was clearly a sight where countless families get bad news. Sort of like a conference room- with flyers on a lot of things available on the wall & a few boxes of tissues on the table. That's when I got that feeling that I'd get to know this room. But it was a passing thought of "hm- we might be going in there" followed by "I'd better go empty out my bladder" and "I can't wait to send mom the latest pictures from this ultra sound when I get home."

There were never pictures printed out from this ultra sound. We can buy a CD at the end, but as the nurse informed me gently the perinatal clinic is not a place where many people WANT pictures of their babies by the end. And after that day, I wasn't 100% on if we'd want that CD.

Sure enough, the doctor tells us the boys kidneys showed up bright, enlarged & had cysts on the ultra sound. That mixed with the fact that my amniotic fluid was low concerned them. So they tell us they're taking us down the hall to a conference room where we'll meet a couple doctors & hear some guesses at the boys' and our future... I knew how to get to that room without a doubt.

I never touched the kleenex box and they didn't have flyers for Kidney cysts and low amniotic fluid. They asked us to come back in 2 weeks but made no diagnoses. We were prepared for monitoring but not yet worried about the possibilities presented.

The following appointment came in no time as weeks seem to fly by for a toddler, a pregnant woman & a working man even if days drag on.

After the ultra sound in marches a new doctor, a nurse & out we all go to the family counselling room. The doctor had even done some of the ultra sound. She'd pointed out the 1/4-of-his-kidney sized cyst on Jayden's right kidney & the 2 smaller cysts on Noah's. We'd noticed how the kidneys showed even larger than last week and seen how much the tech searched around for the pockets of amniotic fluid. This is the meeting where they teach us about polycystic kidney disease & bring in a genetic counsellor to find out more family history. This is the meeting where the mention possible dialysis, losing the boys at any moment, the option to terminate this pregnancy & the possible need for future transplants.

This is the meeting where I literally used up all of the kleenex on that sterile table. {But if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, those little tissues in those tiny pastel boxes are worthless.} The doctor looked us right in the face after gently and slowly sharing each piece of information and said that we must understand how serious this could be. That is isn't to be taken lightly. This is where for a few days we lost hope. This is when you question everything you knew to be true. This is when you can't stop thinking one of two words, "WHY" and "HOW"?

Suddenly we don't want to move on. The joy of a growing belly and the bliss of preparing for babies is off the table. I walk around feeling like part of me is dead & the other part wants to refuse to go on without it. When Kyle & I went to pick Hayley up after that appointment, he cried when he saw her. We realized she could be it: our only miracle, our only joy, the one thing we have to be thankful for.

We ignore calls about our upcoming house & things to be chosen for that. That's not exciting anymore. What if the room I'd found perfect for a nursery winds up an empty one? Which leads to more questions: will we ever bring them home? Will they make it to birth? Why would we buy those things we'd picked out to decorate the nursery or order the paint for their wall? Why wash the new clothes we've received.

I'd also been told in the sterile kleenex & flyers room that due to the boys' fragile state, or predicted fragile state, that I'd be having a c-section birth as soon as my fluid dropped too low. So a few days later, in my numb attempt not to deny the news I packed the hospital bag just in case. What a different time that was from when I packed for Hayley. I have a week's worth of clothes for each boy. I have my breast pump & a week's worth of clothes for myself. I have preemie clothes for them {at least those are adorable}, towels, swaddles: basically its like I'm moving to the hospital just in case I have to for real.

I questioned letting Hayley continue being excited for the "beebee's." She'd touch my belly, kiss it, hold up the toys & sleepers for the boys & announce "bee bee boys" excitedly as I sat there and cried. What if she has to deal with loss at this age, or later? What if she never sees these boys we've all been talking about?

What if what if what if? That's where we were.

These are the situations that define us as believers in a hope beyond this world. Believers in Christ, a saviour; in God who is sovereign. Because all else had failed for us; for these baby boys inside of me. Everything points to: GIVE UP ON THEM. But we won't. These babies have been entrusted to me, into my womb for a reason. Whether they're there for a short time or we get to see them come out and maybe one day grow up, too is still unknown. But we know we'll fight for whatever life we can give them. They deserve that chance.

This is the first of many posts from this journey. We've had 2 more weeks of news, possibilities & ultrasounds go by. We've learned more, we've felt more, we've hoped and doubted and most of all prayed. Stay tuned for my posts on the other visits. For now this is all I've had the time and emotion to get out, but there will be more.