My name is Maggie and I am NOT a worrier.

It's been a roller coaster. When I last posted we were waiting to meet with the Pediatric Neuphrologist with kidney troubles at the top of our list. We ran late to that appointment because of a long drawn out fetal echo. We left that appointment glad to hear that Noah & Jayden have very strong hearts and are not sharing blood systems {aka twin to twin transfusion, common problem}. So then the gracious Doctor waiting for us at the University hospital had even more good news! He looked at the boys' kidneys paired with low to normal fluid and decided that there was nothing to diagnose yet & he didn't want us worrying. He said as long as my fluid continued in the low-norm range we'd carry as long as I could, deliver as naturally as possible and most likely only have to monitor the boys' kidneys occasionally given that they continued to show signs of health. This was the top of the roller coaster. We sat there, building our faith, praying still, beginning to really hope.

Flash back: The Sunday right before the good news we found ourselves holding each other up and literally CRYING out to God through the church worship service as though we were begging for each lyric to be true. Begging Him to be the great physician for us. Begging Him to be the mighty saviour to our boys. Begging it to be true as we sang you are good you are good and your love endures forever & Saviour he can move the mountains, our God is mighty to save. And from that begging came hoping & believing. Following the service we were overwhelmed with support and love as some of our friends surrounded us, laid hands on me and asked God for all of those things and more claiming our sons as God's and urging us to be brave. It was so encouraging.

Throughout the week we had visions & hopes from my belly filling with more fluid to the boys alive & growing up in our home.

This past weekend I received a call with a list of items available to me, for free to the boys. As my girlfriend read off the list it was a word-for-word replica of a list I'd hidden away when I started to dread the possibility that they would never come home here on earth. Rocking chair, 2 bumbos with trays, 1 swing, 2 play mats and the list goes on. The woman who donated this list had previously donated clothes from preemie size to 18 months for twin boys. She isn't a believer & is now a single mom. She said she just felt it was something she had to do. {Amen?!} What a blessing & what a sign. I don't think that list was any coincidence, it was a sign that they just might be meant to live.

Now flash forward: To yesterday: Post-ultra sound I am sitting in a long hallway waiting to be poked and prodded for a few more extensive checks given the recent discoveries. The head nurse is coming my way when the latest doctor who'd delivered us news stops her and they speak in hushed tones about me. About my sons. Concern registers on this compassionate woman's face and a few short moments later she makes her way to the chair beside me. "So that wasn't the great news we were hoping for was it?" "No," I replied with tears starting to choke their way up, "but we will just keep hoping, no matter how bad it gets, we will expect some miracle be it big or small." She tells me that she believes babies get sent to certain people for a reason & its mommies and daddies like us who will take care of them that they find their way to. I quickly think to myself, thanks a heap for picking me God. Then the nurse explains to me that I may need to be admitted today or within the week, asks if we have bags ready, asks if we have any family near. Kyle returns a while later and I tell him and watch as his face drops and his eyes fill with the look that's getting so common to me: question, sorrow, fear. He doesn't say it all out loud to me, but he also can't hide it in the least. 

We weren't admitted but now, a day later I'm as un-anxiously as is possible awaiting the phone call with "THE PLAN." The plan for how they can monitor me daily, the plan for what happens when that monitoring reveals no more fluid or fetal distress or contractions, and the plans for the baby's lungs and kidneys once they've been delivered out of their current haven which is me.

My amniotic fluid is critically low. The kidneys haven't improved and may fail. And now we will have preemies on our hands which leads to LUNGS being the primary concern, not yet kidneys. 

I am not worrying.  I'm not ignoring the news, either. I understand that this is starting a long, tedious, heart-wrenching journey. My heart aches for my babies. I long so much for the memories and dreams I'd already conjured up to get to be real. I know now that a still birth is not out of the question for one or both of my sons. I know now that suffering is almost inevitable to some degree for my babies if and when they're born. I know that the suffering could continue for years or it could be just temporary. I know that they could make it. Babies are resilient; though no mommy treats them that way when they are as precious as treasure and at first, no matter how many babies you've had or just held. the new ones feel as breakable as glass. And God is greater than all of these things. God's plan is bigger.  So I'm not worrying. I'm hoping still, though we feel like we've gone over the edge at the top of the roller coaster and this is the rapid downfall where we aren't sure what lies at the bottom and we can't stop anything from happening how it's going to happen. 

I am trusting. I am hoping. I am loving these babies for as long and as I can and as much as I can.

1 cor 13:12-13 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." -The Message Version

26 weeks and a bit. Babies both measured 2 lb 1 oz yesterday {May 1} with pretty normal to large sized heads.  The ultra sound put them at 27 weeks already so they're strong boys! Despite critically low amniotic fluid these babies move a lot and gave the ultra sound tech a show yesterday. Noah's still head down on the right and Jayden had turned head up on the left side.