Since my last post I've wound up on partial bedrest at the hospital. This is now my 3rd week here. My mom has joined me, Kyle's working & staying with his parents (closer to the hopsital) & they are keepnig Hayley. What a whirlwind of hospital trips, testing, monitoring, decision making & shades of emotions we have been through... well, we are still coming through. Here are some of my journal entries since I've been here:
Wednesday, May 9 2:35 AM~
If you ever thought playing God would be fun- forget it. Here I am, in the hopsital bed I've now occupied since Thursday with 2 lives "in my hands." Not just any 2- the 2 inside of me I've been investing in for over the 27.3 weeks that they've been here- my sons. If one distresses tonight I must decide between leaving him inside, or taking both out to (maybe) save one or both OR lose both. I don't know if humans were ever mean to have decisions like these fall into their hands- especially not at 2 am after 2 hours of being hooked up to a monitor.
It's one thing to KNOW what's best and do that at all costs. It's another thing to make a call not knowing a "best." It's gambling...
So I'm praying for wisdom from the only one who does know best. Who can make these calls. Who actually has Jayden & Noah's lives in His capable hands. I'm praying for: discernment, clear instincts & gut feelings, trustworthy doctors.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives, I give unto you. Let now your heart be troubled, neither let it be afriad." Jn 14:27
I am not leaning on my own understanding; but in stead I am trusting & surrendering all of my fears, doubts & uncertainty- everything to God in prayer. As my friend reminded me, "For He who loves us more than what we can ever imagine sees the future & He is in complete control of every situation we are facing... we must remember that our Heavenly father, in His infinite love for us will do what's best for us."
Sunday, May 13 Mother's Day~
I didn't think today could be very great. I didn't get to wake up to Hayley or my wonderful husband; I had to make plans around regular monitoring that can last 30 mins to 3 hours; Hayley can only be here for so many hours PLUS travel time; we couldn't go anywhere but here... you get the idea.
Well, I got breakfast in bed... thou it was hospital food & its accompanied by being hooked up to monitors.
I wasn't alone. Mom's here & that was really fun.
Kyle & Hayley arrived by 10 bearing bouquets, cards & big smiles. Kyle looked so handsome & had dressed Hayley in her new pink dress. They were quite the lovely duo & made my heart so happy. We bought burgers in the cafeteria that were a welcome change from hospital menu & found a perfect sunny spot outside but nearby the building. It was the longer I've been able to stay outside & it felt wonderful even though I couldn't get out of my wheelchair. Hayley ran & danced & sang & pushed her stroller in circles around me. It was so good to see her having fun.
So I'm grateful for a perfect-for-the-whole-family mother's day.
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