Double that diagnosis.

Right when I thought this battle was nearing "halfway" fought I'm catching another ticking time bomb in stead- taking another painful, ominous, heath-wrenching blow. We were all waiting with baited breath to get a glimpse of the twins & face the kidney diagnoses & find out what life in light of that would look like...

Well, when you wake up after 8 am when you live in the hopsital & find multiple doctors just waiting outside your door to speak with you, be warned.

This morning my Doctor has informed me that the MRI results showed polycystic kidney disease (as expected) AND, yes, a-n-d pulmonary hypoplasia. Another big term: another hurdle for these two little boys and the hundreds of us watching this like a movie in slow motion that never ends.

Enter background music: as I closed the door behind the doctors & began my daily routine this one verse from a song we sang in highschool kept ringing in my mind, "I'm already standing on solid groud." Isn't that the truth? Noah & Jayden, even, are already on solid ground. With God as a foundation to this maze of complications, totally collapsing just won't happen.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for & assurance about what we do not see." As for what I do see, I'm not a happy momma bear. I want to crawl in a hole & pretend the world has stopped turning. But as for what I have no power to see before its time, I can't account for that. I can't despair over something in God's hands. Just like in my previous post, I cannot know the things he has and will do.

Also, I will not have two masters. Satan wants to pull me down into that tempting spot of self pity, doubting God, letting go of hope. God wants to sustain me & not destroy me, give me hope & push me to continue believeing. It's like a big pile of sweets that will give you stitches & slow you down when you're training to be an athlete vs a coach who will puch you to your limits but help you reach your goals and be an accomplished person at the end. So its not so simple to pick the best one every day... but its the best for us.

Today I came across a woman's reflection on a trial with her baby that she is now on the "other side" of. She said that she can no longer regard he baby's diagnoses & her trials as the tragedy that it one was to her because:

"This isn’t something that just happened to William and I, it happened to thousands and thousands of people. My faith and spirituality have grown immeasurably these past four months, but it’s not just me. There are almost 2000 comments I can look back on that would suggest Nora has had a profound effect on MANY. What if the difficulties and tragedies we are dealt in this life aren’t meant for just us personally, but are designed and authored to impact, inspire, and cultivate others? To look at it that way certainly changes my self-centered perspective, and diminishes any self-pity I might have had. The “Why would God do this to me?” question suddenly becomes null and void. In a state of vulnerability and desperation I allowed God to use me as His instrument really because I just. didn’t. know. what. else. to. do. It would have been really nice to see how beautifully everything would unfold back then, but I couldn’t have had a clue. I felt I had no other options but to take the blind leap and give it all to God. Blind leaps of faith can be scary as all hell (speaking from experience), but the splash will be huge and the ripples just might carry to the ends of the earth, impacting and inspiring thousands. Can you trust Him? YES. God can list me as a reference on His resume any day!"

(iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com)

So here's hoping for that outcome.