Un-father's Day

Last night around 9 after Hayley was sleeping at G&G's and we'd gone on a french fries & frosty run (nothing heals you like Wendy's can) we remembered that today was father's day.

What do you do for a daddy who's just held his two sons as they died? He didn't want much to do with Father's Day.

Most years I'd have planned brunch in bed, some fun trip with Hayley and a plethora of gifts including an annual starbucks mug. Since I'd been in the hospital I'd only bought one thing: a picture frame from Hayley to put a picture of the 2 of them in. There was no picture in it, we didn't make cards or plan anything. I was very upset over this- though I know I'm grieving & I'm a long way from my normal it just killed me not to have remembered sooner about celebrating him.

He deserves the world and more today.

So we slept in. We woke up to Hayley placing books at our feet & immediately tried to keep the focus on her. Mr. Brave macho man had agreed to our first Sunday back to church being on Father's Day. If it had been Mother's Day I would have said no way. He's my hero.

Church went fine. Hayley NEVER cries over nursery: usually runs in & doesn't look back. Not this time. Can't blame her... so we were in & out with her but caught some of the message & caught up with some friends. Almost cried during one prayer. Not bad considering that our emotions are about nose-high and ready to spew out of our eyes at the drop of a hat.

Thanks to some people we love and appreciate a lot {shout out to Danielle & Mark, Chris & Eric!} we were able to go out to lunch and enjoy some company for that.

Then naps... then Hayley busts her head open trying to climb up on the bed with us {fell back & hit her head on a shelf corner}. I am always rational with blood, injuries, hospital visits... well now make that NOT RATIONAL AT ALL EVER anymore. Good thing Kyle's incredible at life right now.

I don't trust God with my babies anymore. But I also don't have a choice but to trust him with them since Noah & Jayden have gone to be with him now & our tiny baby who we hardly knew went to be with him after only a month or two inside of me last year. And as for our Hayley Beth, I can only be her momma. I can't know her future, I can't control the things that will come, I can't extend heavenly wisdom or heavenly mercies to her. That's His job. Anyways... I feel like I don't want to trust Him. That's the truth right now.

I'm sure there will be more things like this I find I struggle with now. When I had post-partum depression after Hayley a very wise counsellor & dear lady said to me, "its okay to ask why. Jesus asked why. It's okay to be mad at God. He can handle it." And a few more things along those lines. Now to eventually find the peace to say... I feel all of these things... but "may your will be done."

Anyways! How ridiculous is it that we almost had to return to the hospital today? What wound up happening was me shaving a chunk out of her gorgeous blonde locks {first haircut wasn't even a pretty, prissy one!} & using a steri strip {delivered to me in case one comes off of my incision from the c section} to close it up. As long as that continues to hold we avoided the ER.

And to wind up the day we actually went out & enjoyed ourselves like normal. The whole fam joined {Kyle's parents & sisters} us for Madagascar 3 @ the theatre. And just to brag, Hayley sat through the whole movie enthralled. Laughed in the appropriate places. Sipped from her bevvy, had popcorn & twizzlers. She's a pro at living it up. And it made her Daddy so proud :) So we ended Father's day smiling. Better than we'd planned. Thank God for our little girl. And thank God for my husband... the best Dad ever to all my kids.