I'd like to talk to you about Postpartum Depression.

I'd like to talk to you about Postpartum Depression.
{Online Definition available here Post Partum Depression}

It is my husbands fear. It is my worst enemy and constituted some of my darkest hours. You never want it. You never want your family to be exposed to it. If you think you might have symptoms I know how scary it is to admit the things you think, feel or do... but do it or it will never improve. When you have postpartum you.need.help.

I got those pamphlets after delivery. I'd even seen those posters up in the doctors offices at my pre-natal appointments. I'm talking about when I was pregnant with Hayley. And I'm talking about after she was born and I had a bundle of joy in my life. A beautiful. innocent. precious. joy. of a little girl.

Sure 0-3 months later I may have had a little anxiety or been a little tired but I was fine. 3-6 months later we were packing to go to Africa and I was excited and preoccupied. 7 months later did NOT take the turn I had anticipated. We moved to Africa and didn't feel an ounce of regret on that 1 month session of travels and good-byes and changes. We flew a 9 hour day to the states and a 9 hour flight across the Atlantic with little regard to how much change was ahead and a whole lot of enthusiasm.

I often explain in reflection to people how it was so different to be the adult and not the missionary kid. To be the parent and the home maker trying to keep a "normal" at home and be a good witness when you step out that heavy metal security door into the hot red sand in a long tight piece of vibrant cloth. And I'd like to blame all the hardship on being OCD and the heat rash and the sand and the lack of adequate financial support and the doubly difficult twin pregnancy where I could not eat anything... but those obstacles would have been simple enough to overcome had it not been for postpartum depression.

At first I thought it was culture shock. I'd been through that before. Then as it progressed I began to believe lies and hide and do things that hurt myself and then my family... until one day I announced to my husband that I was truly convinced that I was possessed by a demon. And I believed this. I thought that announcement would be followed by all sorts of prayer meetings and casting-outs and battles for my soul. But I'm the only one who wound up having to fight those battles.

He knew something was wrong and we kept on trying everything through prayers and tears. I'd phone him just beside myself and he'd have to step in again to feed Hayley or bath her or change her diaper or put her down for her nap. I. just. could. not.

When I read what postpartum was by chance one day I knew I'd figured it out. I went to the school counsellor and, very afraid,  blurted out how I'd broken my finger hitting walls and I'd scream and I'd hide and I'd think about dying.
All this while everything else was amazing around me. Hayley was turning one and learning to walk. Kyle was beyond excellent at his job there. But somehow I was hating this place I loved and living on the outside but dead inside.

They say knowing is half the battle. I'd agree.

And where was God then? Right there. Scripture was a huge part of my rescue.Truth to replace lies is only found in the Word of God. And all of that ground work I did between Hayley's first birthday and moving back to Canada to have the twins created roots for me when I needed to grow even more. And finding his arms and learning who I am and how I have victory and knowing brokenness and healing in my very marrow and feeling failure and knowing he is what makes me enough and recognizing his arms around me as darkness tries to fight for a grip around my neck... of course he let me live these things and be these things. He is the gardener. I have been pruned. It hurts. Its worth it.

I have said many times on this road past Noah and Jayden's time on Earth... that those roughest days in Africa were preparing me for this. Equipping me with grace and a knowledge of his mercy to suffice this trial... to survive another day.