Once Upon an Afternoon, Written and illustrated by me...

Once upon an afternoon we opened our front door to decide whether or not to venture outside.

Once upon an afternoon, can you believe it? ...it was still blowing cold mountain breezes and the sun just wasn't warm enough to chase the winter away.

Once upon an afternoon we could have refused to brave the weather insisting spring would be here soon!


On such an afternoon we'd mosy around in sweatpants and slippers building (again) with the blocks and molding (again) with the clay and finally piling onto the couch under blankets (again) to watch a show sleepily.










Well that's not how this story goes.

Once upon an afternoon we said to "pish posh!" to waiting on spring and strapped on our boots, pulled down our touques, swooshed on our scarves, tucked on our mittens and got to shovelling!

We shovelled the front porch, we shovelled the back deck... and before we knew it, we'd shovelled right out into the yard...

And discovered a wall of snow hiding a huge path between the yard and the fence.
So we sunk and jumped and clambered right on over! We made tunnels and trenches... We made snow animals and snow men...



And before long the snow wasn't so cold or deep or dreary at all! 


Perhaps if we can spend a few more afternoons busily enjoying this snow..

then, upon one afternoon, we'll find the tunnels gone and the snowmen melting... and before we know it spring will have sprung with many a winter's adventure to talk about!

I'd like to talk to you about Postpartum Depression.

I'd like to talk to you about Postpartum Depression.
{Online Definition available here Post Partum Depression}

It is my husbands fear. It is my worst enemy and constituted some of my darkest hours. You never want it. You never want your family to be exposed to it. If you think you might have symptoms I know how scary it is to admit the things you think, feel or do... but do it or it will never improve. When you have postpartum you.need.help.

I got those pamphlets after delivery. I'd even seen those posters up in the doctors offices at my pre-natal appointments. I'm talking about when I was pregnant with Hayley. And I'm talking about after she was born and I had a bundle of joy in my life. A beautiful. innocent. precious. joy. of a little girl.

Sure 0-3 months later I may have had a little anxiety or been a little tired but I was fine. 3-6 months later we were packing to go to Africa and I was excited and preoccupied. 7 months later did NOT take the turn I had anticipated. We moved to Africa and didn't feel an ounce of regret on that 1 month session of travels and good-byes and changes. We flew a 9 hour day to the states and a 9 hour flight across the Atlantic with little regard to how much change was ahead and a whole lot of enthusiasm.

I often explain in reflection to people how it was so different to be the adult and not the missionary kid. To be the parent and the home maker trying to keep a "normal" at home and be a good witness when you step out that heavy metal security door into the hot red sand in a long tight piece of vibrant cloth. And I'd like to blame all the hardship on being OCD and the heat rash and the sand and the lack of adequate financial support and the doubly difficult twin pregnancy where I could not eat anything... but those obstacles would have been simple enough to overcome had it not been for postpartum depression.

At first I thought it was culture shock. I'd been through that before. Then as it progressed I began to believe lies and hide and do things that hurt myself and then my family... until one day I announced to my husband that I was truly convinced that I was possessed by a demon. And I believed this. I thought that announcement would be followed by all sorts of prayer meetings and casting-outs and battles for my soul. But I'm the only one who wound up having to fight those battles.

He knew something was wrong and we kept on trying everything through prayers and tears. I'd phone him just beside myself and he'd have to step in again to feed Hayley or bath her or change her diaper or put her down for her nap. I. just. could. not.

When I read what postpartum was by chance one day I knew I'd figured it out. I went to the school counsellor and, very afraid,  blurted out how I'd broken my finger hitting walls and I'd scream and I'd hide and I'd think about dying.
All this while everything else was amazing around me. Hayley was turning one and learning to walk. Kyle was beyond excellent at his job there. But somehow I was hating this place I loved and living on the outside but dead inside.

They say knowing is half the battle. I'd agree.

And where was God then? Right there. Scripture was a huge part of my rescue.Truth to replace lies is only found in the Word of God. And all of that ground work I did between Hayley's first birthday and moving back to Canada to have the twins created roots for me when I needed to grow even more. And finding his arms and learning who I am and how I have victory and knowing brokenness and healing in my very marrow and feeling failure and knowing he is what makes me enough and recognizing his arms around me as darkness tries to fight for a grip around my neck... of course he let me live these things and be these things. He is the gardener. I have been pruned. It hurts. Its worth it.

I have said many times on this road past Noah and Jayden's time on Earth... that those roughest days in Africa were preparing me for this. Equipping me with grace and a knowledge of his mercy to suffice this trial... to survive another day.

A decorating DIY of sorts.

 for            E A S T E R

~We made this Easter tree first. {Apparently this is a German tradition, though I was unaware.} My mom had mailed me these random little ornaments and we decided this is what we'd do. My mother-in-law gets me flowers... she's so sweet :) And I hate to admit that I killed my valentine's rose plant... that were in that pink little flower pot. So we re-vamped it into Easter decor by filling it with sand, picking a twig, and using our little ornaments. It's sitting on a piece of china from one of Kyle's Grandma's many tea cup sets. I scavenge around in my cupboards before each holiday and realize I have pieces I've never thought to use for this or that.












~ That story book is one Hayley got for Christmas and our plan was to read up to the Easter story by easter day... well, one story a day just wasn't enough and we've completed the book. So we're using it as a little reminder and we get it down here and there and reread some stories. Kids books always = interesting, fun decorations.

~We bought those plastic easter eggs last year and I just stored them. We have already had a zillion easter egg hunts {just for empty ones right now & the occasional left-over-valentine's chocolates!}... I figure why not practice? I like to have consistent things we always bring out... that was special for me as a kid.

~The eggs & cross hanging from our stocking hooks were what inspired this post. I love them and its nothing you can get in a store. We cut up old calendar pages and scrap book pages & glued them on an old cardboard box... then cut out our shapes, hole punched them & stuck some leftover ribbon in.

~And my fun little spring bouquet is also from my lovely mother-in-law. A little spring gift to let me know I'm thought of. {Thank-you! You made my day AND our decor! You know how much I love that.} I like to split up my bouquets around the house to spread out the prettiness!

~{We might attempt a wreath this week with some dollar store flowers stuck into the wreath I had dollar store leaves stuck in for fall. Or something else fun along those lines.} SCRATCH that. I am now editing this post because the pictures didn't originally work... and we have MADE our wreath!
Hayley did some finger-painting earlier this week and I decided to cut up some of the paper smothered in paint & make wreath decorations. Again... trying to decorate completely from scratch. It's fun! So here it is: crosses, eggs and some hearts plus some leftover dollar store "flowers" from fall. I just punched holes in them & attached them with fishing wire... literally fishing wire, from Kyle's tackle box.


I like to decorate slowly with our home made items... we've still got some time before easter... but I loved how things were decorated the whole month of the holiday in my house growing up. It's magical when you're little... and maybe big too :)

Here are some of Hayley's other spring crafts & projects: In music class we made the melted snowman & the ecstatic-looking chick. They're super simple.

Melted snowman: Paper plate upside down + syrofoam ball cut in half + cotton balls for the snow + a few old buttons, some pipe cleaners for nose, arms and mouth + googly eyes. *My baby was the only one in music class who wanted to make a scarf and bow for her "snowgirl" to accessorize! {She knows what's important, ha.}

Ecstatic yellow Chick: Orange + Yellow construction paper  {a lot of cutting practice for mommy} + Yellow fingerpainting on white paper + Googly eyes.

You will also notice her egg chalk in this picture. $3.00 @ Wal-Mart or for my international readers check out this sidewalk chalk recipe I saw on Pinterest:
http://media-cache-ec6.pinterest.com/originals/02/08/43/020843ccf7276e3bce2a664c26181489.jpg

I'm sure it would be more pleasant if it didn't look like this outside today!! {all of that HAD melted}

Here she was last week using it :) {Yes, I said last week.}

Spring--with a touch of NEON.

ob·ses·sion

  [uhb-sesh-uhn]

noun

1.

the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

I realized I was obsessed yesterday when I started taking MORE rain boot pictures. I cannot get enough of my child splashing in the puddles. I want a picture of her every moment in those boots. She is so thrilled with puddles. I am loving spring vicariously through her. Spring here isn't pretty. Really. We get absolutely stunning winters, summers & falls but I could skip spring and be alright. There's just SO.MUCH. snow to melt. It's slow and wet and most days the weather can't make up its mind. It's far from rain and blossoms for a very long time. It's just grey and slush... that was until Hayley's hot pink boots. {Should I be writing a children's book? Maybe?}

 COME ON!! What's not to love?

She has always been my sunshine. And now she's the HIGHLIGHT :) of spring.

 ...Oh the adventures a little girl can have when the world is wide and kind and her boots are neon pink!

Because of June 9, 2012...

I have 2 strollers, 2 carseats & some baby toys: For when my friend from the hospital has me keep her twin girls. They’re special because the boys knew them too!

I have read these amazing books and have these amazing people to send thank-you cards to for the incredible amounts of love and care that have been extended to me by the church. I have seen love like never before in myself and in others.

I have a box in the basement I dare not open. It’s full of little shoes and preemie sleepers I had packed in the boys’ diaper bag: 2 of each. Its got some hand-me-downs from their sister. It’s also got their duvet covers, hooks for the wall & art for the nursery I had all planned out. That’s not a tangible thing I care to look at or touch much.

I have been a friend to a few in need when they weren’t sure who to trust. Not because I’m anything special. But because of our {My son’s & my} story. Because God’s seen me through to today.

I make these earthy-chique baby mobiles in my babys’ honour. For fun. To show love to babies. To force myself on a walk into the trees to see some of God’s art. To spend a mindless evening with twine and my hands and sometimes some mindless tv or slow conversations.

I’m GETTING a TATTOO. I have wanted to do this all.my.life. 

I have a thank-you card & pamphlets leftover from a funeral home. I hate to see that emblem with the trees and PARK MEMORIAL written on it. Even if I am thankful for them, too. 

My sons have death certificates & certificates of cremation. Sad. But they’re the only legal pieces of paper we ever got with their full names. Somehow making them more human to me. We never got birth certificates.

I’m starting to finally fulfill my dream of writing my life story out. Who knows if anyone will ever get to read it, but its for me.

I still have a “TWINS” board on pinterest & I haven’t changed my blog description though its pretty inaccurate of who I am now. These are those little steps I just haven’t taken yet. 

I’m learning about loving my body... scars, stretch marks & all. 

We preach heaven in this house. Easter has never seemed so needed, so real, so neat.

We learned that Hayley was more of a miracle than we already knew the day she was born. She will live even more cherished and even more photographed if that’s possible!!

I really don’t enjoy the little crafts where you “make your family.” One day Hayley can decide if she’ll include 2 little brothers or not... for now its always a toss up... especially if we are in a classroom setting with other people.

... Just a few more thoughts I came across in my reflecting yesterday.

Treasures. Unforgotten.

{To Noah & Jayden

The day you died, my treasure in heaven became more priceless than before... it became tangible, real & desirable. The kind of desire that aches. I don’t cry through every song during worship at church now, just the ones about going to heaven and what it will be like. I know the sweetness we sing of will be magnified for me.

But there are some treasures I’ve stored up on earth. Not forever treasures, but the hold-me-till-I-make-it-there treasures. As humans we need things we can cling to and touch when it feels like something's slipped away. My very skin feels comforted to hold, cling to, bring to my chest... items, images, textures, scents to keep you alive.

They’re my sacred things. I take retreats to your 2 boxes... in memory, in grief, in confusion... I just shuffle through it all. And I allow a few things to fold right into the thick of each day... constant reminders. To be thankful. Of who’s mom I am. Of what all I have. Of what I’ve come through and to. Some pnd let it slip. And there’s a few people probably see these things and have no clue. Some people probably pick up on a thing or two a things no one can pass up without remembering and that’s by my design. I need people to remember with me here and there. Remember you and remember who I am. I’m not just who I am today. I am a little piece of a yesterday and a once upon a time that I can’t let go of no matter how I keep moving forward and being thankful. I am a little lonely in my soul by choice- because I’m waiting for you and no one else can wait to be your mom but me.}

Today I wanted to share some of these things with you. My touchable lovable little things. I’d grab them in a fire but I will have far greater things to gain one day. It’s all I have physically today to show for a lifetime of dreams and 9 months of plans and undoing plans and 8 months (this Saturday) since, of being a mom to angels.