Where were you?

Friday my ultra sound showed THE result that was going to be THE deciding factor for the boys... but God must have other plans. After seeing no fluid & empty bladders I'm returned to my wing of the hospital and rushed to be put back on the heart monitor. A bed was wheeled to a spot outside of my room & I got on the phone to let Kyle know he may need to leave work soon & get here for the C-section. Then, somewhere along the line my team of docs & nurses haven't really heard much & the perinatologist on shift at the time had okayed the ultrasound since the heart monitoring showed no stress for the boys. We watied out the weekend anxiously & my doctor came back in today. Now here I sit, not having a C-section. 30 weeks and 2 days now. The doctors are all getting back on the same page today. I had an MRI on the boys' kidneys this morning. I have my routine ultra sound tomorrow. And I have no answers. And finally, that's okay with me.

After the first resident popped their head in my room this morning not knowing much of anything to tell me, I began giving in to the frustration & anxiety with how things operate here... how there are so many doctors and specialists on this case that it seems to take weeks for them to all get the information that I'm banking my kids' lives on. I began worrying over not getting answers, feeling the need for more to be done, wondering who's really aware of this and that thing about Noah & this and that about Jayden. I let that weight settle on my shoulders and began to expect more from myself: know more, ask more, insist on this or that.

As my blood boiled I remembered the most important thing: I am their home right now, I can't do this. I can't let my pulse get high, I can't lose it. They need me at peace, they need me resting. So I picked up my Bible & wondered what to read. Job came to mind. Job always comes to mind. Ever since I was a kid that was my "I don't get it & I don't want it" Bible story: the one you wanna just pluck out of the Bible and pretend wasn't there. Since the start of this journey with Noah & Jayden people have likened our situation to Job & I have smiled graciously and denied it in my mind silently. I don't know if its all like Job, but as Job came to mind I thought, "how did that end again?" So I didn't just start reading Job all the way through because obviously I didn't want to read it again in the first place but I found the end of the story & Job's confession. He said "I know that you can do all things & that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." "I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." "I had heard of you by the hearing of my ears, but now my eyes see you." {Chapter 24} Then I'm like... I guess I'd better find some context as all good students of the Bible have learned at Dakar Academy. I flipped a few chapters back and found God saying to Job {chapters 38-41}, "Where were you when..." followed by the wonders he has done like laying the earth's foundations, determining its measuremenets, making the sea etc.  And, "Have you ever" followed by a list of things like commanding day & night, seeing the gates of death, comprehending the expanse of the earth... things only HE has done.

...Nope I haven't.
I know that I am guilty like job of "uttering what I do not understand" about my body & my sons- his sons- growing inside of me. It's so tempting to cling to facts, Dr's opinions, my own deductions made from these things because I WANT ANSWERS. I want control... no, really I feel responsible to take control... to come up with answers & plans & understanding. The world says "Don't be ignorant. Demand answers. Know your plan. Know your desires. Press for information. Don't trust anyone." etc. But no matter how much I do that, God is holding me & my boys in His arms. I have asked God to have His will. I trust him. He knows the big picture. No information I get, nothing I DO will change the end result unless God wants it to. He will prompt me, he will help me know when and what to ask and otherwise I can just rest in His care. It isn't my plan for Noah & Jayden that I'm looking to carry out, its His... so up went my burden though it will continue to lurk around & tempt me... though it will settle around me like a dark cloud & try to ensnare me... I will continue to look to Him and try to remember that I have no clue and that's okay.

Progress inside of me

From my journal > Thursday, May 17

"For this child {for these 2 boys} I pray (ed); and the Lord hath given memy petition which I asked for." -Hannah, 1 Samuel 1:27

"For you shall serve the Lord yuor God & he shall bless thy bread & thy water; AND I WILL TAKE SICKNESS AWAY from the midst of you. There shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in your land: the number of your days I will fulfill." Exodus 23:25,26

4:30 pm~

I had the day alone today; mom was watching Hayley & Kyle spent the night with me but headed to work at 6:30 this morning.
I enjoyed a time of quiet this morning & split it between napping & reflecting on scriptures.
God's written word has meant more to me duringt he past few weeks than ever before. As in any new turn of events, I've noticed & read scriptures that I'd probably heart times and times before but they've taken on new meaning. God put so many diferent people & stories in the Bible & He still puts them in & out of our lives today to be testimony, encouragement, examples to us for so many different events in our lives that we didn't know were coming: but He did. Then there are all fo these PROMISES in the scriptures. Just 6 months ago (roughly?) I was at a women's retreat learnign the littlest picture of the power we have in learning & claiming the promises God made to us. Now: I can't stop searching for those & yearning to know the power they can give me & knowing that there are promises fro my life right now that I haven't yet realized: promises for healing, promises for peaces, promises for Noah & Jayden.
What were just words to me before are now life lines. The miracles int he BIble that were almost common-place to me are hope, are beautiful...
God's promises & God's actions are the difference between life & death, joy & heart ache.

Now posting from... The hospital...

Since my last post I've wound up on partial bedrest at the hospital. This is now my 3rd week here. My mom has joined me, Kyle's working & staying with his parents (closer to the hopsital) & they are keepnig Hayley. What a whirlwind of hospital trips, testing, monitoring, decision making & shades of emotions we have been through... well, we are still coming through. Here are some of my journal entries since I've been here:

Wednesday, May 9 2:35 AM~

If you ever thought playing God would be fun- forget it. Here I am, in the hopsital bed I've now occupied since Thursday with 2 lives "in my hands." Not just any 2- the 2 inside of me I've been investing in for over the 27.3 weeks that they've been here- my sons. If one distresses tonight I must decide between leaving him inside, or taking both out to (maybe) save one or both OR lose both. I don't know if humans were ever mean to have decisions like these fall into their hands- especially not at 2 am after 2 hours of being hooked up to a monitor.
It's one thing to KNOW what's best and do that at all costs. It's another thing to make a call not knowing a "best." It's gambling...

So I'm praying for wisdom from the only one who does know best. Who can make these calls. Who actually has Jayden & Noah's lives in His capable hands. I'm praying for: discernment, clear instincts & gut feelings, trustworthy doctors.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives, I give unto you. Let now your heart be troubled, neither let it be afriad." Jn 14:27

I am not leaning on my own understanding; but in stead I am trusting & surrendering all of my fears, doubts & uncertainty- everything to God in prayer. As my friend reminded me, "For He who loves us more than what we can ever imagine sees the future & He is in complete control of every situation we are facing... we must remember that our Heavenly father, in His infinite love for us will do what's best for us."

Sunday, May 13 Mother's Day~

I didn't think today could be very great. I didn't get to wake up to Hayley or my wonderful husband; I had to make plans around regular monitoring that can last 30 mins to 3 hours; Hayley can only be here for so many hours PLUS travel time; we couldn't go anywhere but here... you get the idea.

Well, I got breakfast in bed... thou it was hospital food & its accompanied by being hooked up to monitors.

I wasn't alone. Mom's here & that was really fun.

Kyle & Hayley arrived by 10 bearing bouquets, cards & big smiles. Kyle looked so handsome & had dressed Hayley in her new pink dress. They were quite the lovely duo & made my heart so happy. We bought burgers in the cafeteria that were a welcome change from hospital menu & found a perfect sunny spot outside but nearby the building. It was the longer I've been able to stay outside & it felt wonderful even though I couldn't get out of my wheelchair. Hayley ran & danced & sang & pushed her stroller in circles around me. It was so good to see her having fun.

So I'm grateful for a perfect-for-the-whole-family mother's day.

My name is Maggie and I am NOT a worrier.

It's been a roller coaster. When I last posted we were waiting to meet with the Pediatric Neuphrologist with kidney troubles at the top of our list. We ran late to that appointment because of a long drawn out fetal echo. We left that appointment glad to hear that Noah & Jayden have very strong hearts and are not sharing blood systems {aka twin to twin transfusion, common problem}. So then the gracious Doctor waiting for us at the University hospital had even more good news! He looked at the boys' kidneys paired with low to normal fluid and decided that there was nothing to diagnose yet & he didn't want us worrying. He said as long as my fluid continued in the low-norm range we'd carry as long as I could, deliver as naturally as possible and most likely only have to monitor the boys' kidneys occasionally given that they continued to show signs of health. This was the top of the roller coaster. We sat there, building our faith, praying still, beginning to really hope.

Flash back: The Sunday right before the good news we found ourselves holding each other up and literally CRYING out to God through the church worship service as though we were begging for each lyric to be true. Begging Him to be the great physician for us. Begging Him to be the mighty saviour to our boys. Begging it to be true as we sang you are good you are good and your love endures forever & Saviour he can move the mountains, our God is mighty to save. And from that begging came hoping & believing. Following the service we were overwhelmed with support and love as some of our friends surrounded us, laid hands on me and asked God for all of those things and more claiming our sons as God's and urging us to be brave. It was so encouraging.

Throughout the week we had visions & hopes from my belly filling with more fluid to the boys alive & growing up in our home.

This past weekend I received a call with a list of items available to me, for free to the boys. As my girlfriend read off the list it was a word-for-word replica of a list I'd hidden away when I started to dread the possibility that they would never come home here on earth. Rocking chair, 2 bumbos with trays, 1 swing, 2 play mats and the list goes on. The woman who donated this list had previously donated clothes from preemie size to 18 months for twin boys. She isn't a believer & is now a single mom. She said she just felt it was something she had to do. {Amen?!} What a blessing & what a sign. I don't think that list was any coincidence, it was a sign that they just might be meant to live.

Now flash forward: To yesterday: Post-ultra sound I am sitting in a long hallway waiting to be poked and prodded for a few more extensive checks given the recent discoveries. The head nurse is coming my way when the latest doctor who'd delivered us news stops her and they speak in hushed tones about me. About my sons. Concern registers on this compassionate woman's face and a few short moments later she makes her way to the chair beside me. "So that wasn't the great news we were hoping for was it?" "No," I replied with tears starting to choke their way up, "but we will just keep hoping, no matter how bad it gets, we will expect some miracle be it big or small." She tells me that she believes babies get sent to certain people for a reason & its mommies and daddies like us who will take care of them that they find their way to. I quickly think to myself, thanks a heap for picking me God. Then the nurse explains to me that I may need to be admitted today or within the week, asks if we have bags ready, asks if we have any family near. Kyle returns a while later and I tell him and watch as his face drops and his eyes fill with the look that's getting so common to me: question, sorrow, fear. He doesn't say it all out loud to me, but he also can't hide it in the least. 

We weren't admitted but now, a day later I'm as un-anxiously as is possible awaiting the phone call with "THE PLAN." The plan for how they can monitor me daily, the plan for what happens when that monitoring reveals no more fluid or fetal distress or contractions, and the plans for the baby's lungs and kidneys once they've been delivered out of their current haven which is me.

My amniotic fluid is critically low. The kidneys haven't improved and may fail. And now we will have preemies on our hands which leads to LUNGS being the primary concern, not yet kidneys. 

I am not worrying.  I'm not ignoring the news, either. I understand that this is starting a long, tedious, heart-wrenching journey. My heart aches for my babies. I long so much for the memories and dreams I'd already conjured up to get to be real. I know now that a still birth is not out of the question for one or both of my sons. I know now that suffering is almost inevitable to some degree for my babies if and when they're born. I know that the suffering could continue for years or it could be just temporary. I know that they could make it. Babies are resilient; though no mommy treats them that way when they are as precious as treasure and at first, no matter how many babies you've had or just held. the new ones feel as breakable as glass. And God is greater than all of these things. God's plan is bigger.  So I'm not worrying. I'm hoping still, though we feel like we've gone over the edge at the top of the roller coaster and this is the rapid downfall where we aren't sure what lies at the bottom and we can't stop anything from happening how it's going to happen. 

I am trusting. I am hoping. I am loving these babies for as long and as I can and as much as I can.

1 cor 13:12-13 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." -The Message Version

26 weeks and a bit. Babies both measured 2 lb 1 oz yesterday {May 1} with pretty normal to large sized heads.  The ultra sound put them at 27 weeks already so they're strong boys! Despite critically low amniotic fluid these babies move a lot and gave the ultra sound tech a show yesterday. Noah's still head down on the right and Jayden had turned head up on the left side.

You could never see it coming.

When we took this picture, we hadn't even had time to think and hope and pray about all that twins would mean.

When I saw these pictures this day and heard that we'd have two sons, identical at that- we were blissful. Kyle quietly flashed the second most proud look he's ever made in his life at me as the ultra sound tech continued her measurements. {The first was when Hayley was born}

Now its weeks later. Many belly pictures later {though not as many as with Hayley! I confess.} I've been getting massages for new and growing aches & pains. Kyle's purchased the boys' first teddy bears {That's his job before each kid: choose their future snuggle buddy}.

The first daddy purchase for Noah & Jayden

We've bought a house in Canada for the second time {its under construction, available in June/July... we just like to do everything all at one time, lol}. Kyle's been framing for almost 2 months. I'm potty training Hayley. And I have a new lady doctor who's a great improvement over the last one. We've been sent for an ultra sound at the perinatal ie high risk clinic since we're expecting these wonderful twins.

 We didn't see it coming. 

After the routine, at least half an hour ultra sound on each baby we're waiting on the doctor to come in and report. That probably means some kind of news, right? As I walked to the washroom I passed a family counselling room. It was clearly a sight where countless families get bad news. Sort of like a conference room- with flyers on a lot of things available on the wall & a few boxes of tissues on the table. That's when I got that feeling that I'd get to know this room. But it was a passing thought of "hm- we might be going in there" followed by "I'd better go empty out my bladder" and "I can't wait to send mom the latest pictures from this ultra sound when I get home."

There were never pictures printed out from this ultra sound. We can buy a CD at the end, but as the nurse informed me gently the perinatal clinic is not a place where many people WANT pictures of their babies by the end. And after that day, I wasn't 100% on if we'd want that CD.

Sure enough, the doctor tells us the boys kidneys showed up bright, enlarged & had cysts on the ultra sound. That mixed with the fact that my amniotic fluid was low concerned them. So they tell us they're taking us down the hall to a conference room where we'll meet a couple doctors & hear some guesses at the boys' and our future... I knew how to get to that room without a doubt.

I never touched the kleenex box and they didn't have flyers for Kidney cysts and low amniotic fluid. They asked us to come back in 2 weeks but made no diagnoses. We were prepared for monitoring but not yet worried about the possibilities presented.

The following appointment came in no time as weeks seem to fly by for a toddler, a pregnant woman & a working man even if days drag on.

After the ultra sound in marches a new doctor, a nurse & out we all go to the family counselling room. The doctor had even done some of the ultra sound. She'd pointed out the 1/4-of-his-kidney sized cyst on Jayden's right kidney & the 2 smaller cysts on Noah's. We'd noticed how the kidneys showed even larger than last week and seen how much the tech searched around for the pockets of amniotic fluid. This is the meeting where they teach us about polycystic kidney disease & bring in a genetic counsellor to find out more family history. This is the meeting where the mention possible dialysis, losing the boys at any moment, the option to terminate this pregnancy & the possible need for future transplants.

This is the meeting where I literally used up all of the kleenex on that sterile table. {But if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, those little tissues in those tiny pastel boxes are worthless.} The doctor looked us right in the face after gently and slowly sharing each piece of information and said that we must understand how serious this could be. That is isn't to be taken lightly. This is where for a few days we lost hope. This is when you question everything you knew to be true. This is when you can't stop thinking one of two words, "WHY" and "HOW"?

Suddenly we don't want to move on. The joy of a growing belly and the bliss of preparing for babies is off the table. I walk around feeling like part of me is dead & the other part wants to refuse to go on without it. When Kyle & I went to pick Hayley up after that appointment, he cried when he saw her. We realized she could be it: our only miracle, our only joy, the one thing we have to be thankful for.

We ignore calls about our upcoming house & things to be chosen for that. That's not exciting anymore. What if the room I'd found perfect for a nursery winds up an empty one? Which leads to more questions: will we ever bring them home? Will they make it to birth? Why would we buy those things we'd picked out to decorate the nursery or order the paint for their wall? Why wash the new clothes we've received.

I'd also been told in the sterile kleenex & flyers room that due to the boys' fragile state, or predicted fragile state, that I'd be having a c-section birth as soon as my fluid dropped too low. So a few days later, in my numb attempt not to deny the news I packed the hospital bag just in case. What a different time that was from when I packed for Hayley. I have a week's worth of clothes for each boy. I have my breast pump & a week's worth of clothes for myself. I have preemie clothes for them {at least those are adorable}, towels, swaddles: basically its like I'm moving to the hospital just in case I have to for real.

I questioned letting Hayley continue being excited for the "beebee's." She'd touch my belly, kiss it, hold up the toys & sleepers for the boys & announce "bee bee boys" excitedly as I sat there and cried. What if she has to deal with loss at this age, or later? What if she never sees these boys we've all been talking about?

What if what if what if? That's where we were.

These are the situations that define us as believers in a hope beyond this world. Believers in Christ, a saviour; in God who is sovereign. Because all else had failed for us; for these baby boys inside of me. Everything points to: GIVE UP ON THEM. But we won't. These babies have been entrusted to me, into my womb for a reason. Whether they're there for a short time or we get to see them come out and maybe one day grow up, too is still unknown. But we know we'll fight for whatever life we can give them. They deserve that chance.

This is the first of many posts from this journey. We've had 2 more weeks of news, possibilities & ultrasounds go by. We've learned more, we've felt more, we've hoped and doubted and most of all prayed. Stay tuned for my posts on the other visits. For now this is all I've had the time and emotion to get out, but there will be more.