Hello & Good Bye

     On Saturday Noah's heart showed that he was beginning to suffer inside of me. We were rushed up for a C section and in an hour I had brought 2 perfect sons into this world and already sent one back into God's arms before he'd felt mine. Noah passed in his Daddy's arms and did not suffer long.

    Jayden was with us for 3 days. On day one he was doing well on the machines & lung meds as well as throughout the next day. We were awoken at 4 am on Monday after about 3 hours of sleep and there was a wheelchair ready to go by my bed. They said Jayden wasn't doing well & we needed to come say goodbye to our precious baby who'd made it that far against all odds.

    That goodbye lasted just one hour short of a full day's time. We held our baby, cried and prayed and hoped for a miracle past the time that he drew his last strained little breath. As seconds turned into minutes past that breath & the doctor listened as his heart slowed to rest a little smile came across his tiny face and his body relaxed... and we bundled him up tight and knew he was now with his brother and would not have to face anything more. No more machines. No more battle against bad kidneys, lungs & heart.

   We are devastated at the loss of Noah & Jayden. Words cannot express this sorrow. Words cannot do our angels justice. My heart is shattered, aching, dying to be where my babies are.

    No parents should have to bury their children. Heard that a thousand times and now I know what it means. In the deepest part of me I know its wrong. We were not created for this world as Noah & Jayden weren't. We weren't created for pain. And since before I lost Jayden I've had these lyrics in my head:

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you?re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you?ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don?t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that?s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life?s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jeremy-camp-lyrics/there-will-be-a-day-lyrics.html]
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I?ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I?ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

 Noah & Jayden have already arrived in that place. Though I am bitter & broken being left without them in my belly or my arms, I am grateful for that hope.

The picture of a nest with Robin's eggs came to me during my pregnancy. I was that vessel God had chosen for them- the nest. They were fragile and I was to carry them until they could fly. I thought that that flight would be a miracle here on this earth but who am I to know the mind of the Lord. Of course I question him now. I go over and over and wish I could see why. But no matter what my feelings I know that they are safe underneath His wings now. That's where I try to keep my hope though I feel what I need to feel as it comes...

I feel like this post is such a rushed, unfit explaination... a tiny snippit of the real picture of what just happened. So I leave it a this saying... words just won't do it.