I love this picture & I hate this picture. Kind of like I love & hate how I feel and I love & hate how life is going these days. This day (2 days after Jayden had passed) we put on new head bands & pretty dresses because its finally warming up here and Hayley is prissy. I wasn't moving on from my grief but I wasn't all-consumed. If I choose to be all-consumed, I lose this precious little girl that God HAS entrusted to me now. So every day is sort of a balancing act between processing sorrow over what I lost and enjoying what I do have. Some days I look and act normal; other days my eyes get puffy (see picture, lol) and you can tell things aren't quite the same. I don't believe things will be "the same" and I believe that's okay. I will always carry signs on my body that I carried Noah & Jayden as they grew. I will always remember. I will always ache when I do. There's a Noah & Jayden spot in this family that will never be replaced or erased. But I think one day that spot can have more joy than pain in it- as we see the things that have come to pass because of them. As we learn bits & pieces of this story that aren't so sad. As we find peace and as we draw nearer to God. As a mom I'll never not hurt a little in that spot. But it doesn't have to be a festering wound.
On a related note, this is another song I recently discovered and that has given me comfort:
"Where is God when the rain falls
And takes the car off the road
Is He standing in the storm
Where is God when the child cries
And no one bends to pick her up
Could someone tell me what He does
He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I'm on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps
Where is God when she won't eat
When her bones start to show
Is He there when she's lost control
Where is God when a father
Turns his back on his son
Can someone tell me what He does
He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I'm on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps
If today's your darkest day
And you can't escape the pain
Don't be afraid
He will never walk away"
1 comment:
I have no doubt that your story will be just what someone else needs to hear. You are very brave for telling it!
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