Sweeping the clouds away

This is a post with pictures from my day today. It was a good day. It was sunny outside & my little sunshine helped me feel sunny even on the inside. She is a gift from God.

"...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because suffering produces perserverance, perserverance; character, and character; hope, and hope does not dissapoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by trhe Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." -Romans 5:3-5

I know its not a family of five in the pictures. I saw little boys playing today and missed Noah & Jayden as babies and as bigger little boys even though I never got to see them be those! But I bet they watched us play today and smiled. I know Jesus did. 

my god IS good

"God ees good--" "Oll de tiyme--""And oll de tiyme--""God ees good!""And de best?""De best ees yet to come!"


Forever those words will echo in my head in a West African's accent. But now they aren't those same words in an African accent that I took for granted. Little did I realize growing up that those words aren't always easy to say. Those words weren't easy for the hungry, the poor (I mean dirt poor, lives in a shack, doesn't know when their next meal is poor), & the hurting families who were surely under that tin roof-ed church singing praises beside our fortunate missionary family. And just like so many volunteers & new missionaries reminded me when they came, I could have been learning from the Africans. I should have been. So many people before me had come to Senegal with that "heart for God" and that "missions on fire" attitude ready to change Senegal when they found that the Senegalese were actually changing them. I understood how that could happen- it happened to me before. But not like its happening now.

Those 3 words can be nearly impossible some days. They're so loaded with questions after something like our loss... something like a lot of the losses and lacks that must have surrounded me in the hearts of those Africans growing up that I was so unaware of. Losing babies in Africa is almost commonplace. But I bet it still hurts just as bad to those moms in that deeper down place that I now know.

But, no matter what happens, those 3 words ARE true. God IS good. No matter what I question, no matter how I hurt, the principles & promises in the Bible are true. That does not change though everything else in my world seems to be a bit different than before now. He still saved me. He is still in the business of good works. He still saved my sons- they are in Heaven with him. Without Him- without the promise of a better place- where would we be now but further from hope?

Top ten things that just hurt:

Answering yes to the question, "its just your daughter?" or "no other kids?"

Seeing little boys play together.

Seeing nursing moms.

Paperwork with their full names. Noah Adam Ibsen & Jayden Isaac Ibsen.

Hearing Hayley remember touching "bebee's hair" "Bebee's hand" & "Bebee's toes" in the incubator.

Hayley talking about how babies go to Jesus.

Having to tell people what happened after their heartfelt "congratulations!" upon seeing me not pregnant.

Wondering what I would have been doing today if things had gone differently.

Not being a family of five.

Seeing the countdown in my planner to when the boys would have been full term.

He Weeps

I love this picture & I hate this picture. Kind of like I love & hate how I feel and I love & hate how life is going these days. This day (2 days after Jayden had passed) we put on new head bands & pretty dresses because its finally warming up here and Hayley is prissy. I wasn't moving on from my grief but I wasn't all-consumed. If I choose to be all-consumed, I lose this precious little girl that God HAS entrusted to me now. So every day is sort of a balancing act between processing sorrow over what I lost and enjoying what I do have. Some days I look and act normal; other days my eyes get puffy (see picture, lol) and you can tell things aren't quite the same. I don't believe things will be "the same" and I believe that's okay. I will always carry signs on my body that I carried Noah & Jayden as they grew. I will always remember. I will always ache when I do. There's a Noah & Jayden spot in this family that will never be replaced or erased. But I think one day that spot can have more joy than pain in it- as we see the things that have come to pass because of them. As we learn bits & pieces of this story that aren't so sad. As we find peace and as we draw nearer to God. As a mom I'll never not hurt a little in that spot. But it doesn't have to be a festering wound.


On a related note, this is another song I recently discovered and that has given me comfort:


"Where is God when the rain falls
And takes the car off the road
Is He standing in the storm
Where is God when the child cries
And no one bends to pick her up
Could someone tell me what He does

He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I'm on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps

Where is God when she won't eat
When her bones start to show
Is He there when she's lost control
Where is God when a father
Turns his back on his son
Can someone tell me what He does

He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I'm on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps

If today's your darkest day
And you can't escape the pain
Don't be afraid
He will never walk away"

Un-father's Day

Last night around 9 after Hayley was sleeping at G&G's and we'd gone on a french fries & frosty run (nothing heals you like Wendy's can) we remembered that today was father's day.

What do you do for a daddy who's just held his two sons as they died? He didn't want much to do with Father's Day.

Most years I'd have planned brunch in bed, some fun trip with Hayley and a plethora of gifts including an annual starbucks mug. Since I'd been in the hospital I'd only bought one thing: a picture frame from Hayley to put a picture of the 2 of them in. There was no picture in it, we didn't make cards or plan anything. I was very upset over this- though I know I'm grieving & I'm a long way from my normal it just killed me not to have remembered sooner about celebrating him.

He deserves the world and more today.

So we slept in. We woke up to Hayley placing books at our feet & immediately tried to keep the focus on her. Mr. Brave macho man had agreed to our first Sunday back to church being on Father's Day. If it had been Mother's Day I would have said no way. He's my hero.

Church went fine. Hayley NEVER cries over nursery: usually runs in & doesn't look back. Not this time. Can't blame her... so we were in & out with her but caught some of the message & caught up with some friends. Almost cried during one prayer. Not bad considering that our emotions are about nose-high and ready to spew out of our eyes at the drop of a hat.

Thanks to some people we love and appreciate a lot {shout out to Danielle & Mark, Chris & Eric!} we were able to go out to lunch and enjoy some company for that.

Then naps... then Hayley busts her head open trying to climb up on the bed with us {fell back & hit her head on a shelf corner}. I am always rational with blood, injuries, hospital visits... well now make that NOT RATIONAL AT ALL EVER anymore. Good thing Kyle's incredible at life right now.

I don't trust God with my babies anymore. But I also don't have a choice but to trust him with them since Noah & Jayden have gone to be with him now & our tiny baby who we hardly knew went to be with him after only a month or two inside of me last year. And as for our Hayley Beth, I can only be her momma. I can't know her future, I can't control the things that will come, I can't extend heavenly wisdom or heavenly mercies to her. That's His job. Anyways... I feel like I don't want to trust Him. That's the truth right now.

I'm sure there will be more things like this I find I struggle with now. When I had post-partum depression after Hayley a very wise counsellor & dear lady said to me, "its okay to ask why. Jesus asked why. It's okay to be mad at God. He can handle it." And a few more things along those lines. Now to eventually find the peace to say... I feel all of these things... but "may your will be done."

Anyways! How ridiculous is it that we almost had to return to the hospital today? What wound up happening was me shaving a chunk out of her gorgeous blonde locks {first haircut wasn't even a pretty, prissy one!} & using a steri strip {delivered to me in case one comes off of my incision from the c section} to close it up. As long as that continues to hold we avoided the ER.

And to wind up the day we actually went out & enjoyed ourselves like normal. The whole fam joined {Kyle's parents & sisters} us for Madagascar 3 @ the theatre. And just to brag, Hayley sat through the whole movie enthralled. Laughed in the appropriate places. Sipped from her bevvy, had popcorn & twizzlers. She's a pro at living it up. And it made her Daddy so proud :) So we ended Father's day smiling. Better than we'd planned. Thank God for our little girl. And thank God for my husband... the best Dad ever to all my kids.

Hello & Good Bye

     On Saturday Noah's heart showed that he was beginning to suffer inside of me. We were rushed up for a C section and in an hour I had brought 2 perfect sons into this world and already sent one back into God's arms before he'd felt mine. Noah passed in his Daddy's arms and did not suffer long.

    Jayden was with us for 3 days. On day one he was doing well on the machines & lung meds as well as throughout the next day. We were awoken at 4 am on Monday after about 3 hours of sleep and there was a wheelchair ready to go by my bed. They said Jayden wasn't doing well & we needed to come say goodbye to our precious baby who'd made it that far against all odds.

    That goodbye lasted just one hour short of a full day's time. We held our baby, cried and prayed and hoped for a miracle past the time that he drew his last strained little breath. As seconds turned into minutes past that breath & the doctor listened as his heart slowed to rest a little smile came across his tiny face and his body relaxed... and we bundled him up tight and knew he was now with his brother and would not have to face anything more. No more machines. No more battle against bad kidneys, lungs & heart.

   We are devastated at the loss of Noah & Jayden. Words cannot express this sorrow. Words cannot do our angels justice. My heart is shattered, aching, dying to be where my babies are.

    No parents should have to bury their children. Heard that a thousand times and now I know what it means. In the deepest part of me I know its wrong. We were not created for this world as Noah & Jayden weren't. We weren't created for pain. And since before I lost Jayden I've had these lyrics in my head:

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you?re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you?ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don?t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that?s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life?s sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jeremy-camp-lyrics/there-will-be-a-day-lyrics.html]
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I can?t wait until that day where the very one
I?ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I?ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

 Noah & Jayden have already arrived in that place. Though I am bitter & broken being left without them in my belly or my arms, I am grateful for that hope.

The picture of a nest with Robin's eggs came to me during my pregnancy. I was that vessel God had chosen for them- the nest. They were fragile and I was to carry them until they could fly. I thought that that flight would be a miracle here on this earth but who am I to know the mind of the Lord. Of course I question him now. I go over and over and wish I could see why. But no matter what my feelings I know that they are safe underneath His wings now. That's where I try to keep my hope though I feel what I need to feel as it comes...

I feel like this post is such a rushed, unfit explaination... a tiny snippit of the real picture of what just happened. So I leave it a this saying... words just won't do it.

Double that diagnosis.

Right when I thought this battle was nearing "halfway" fought I'm catching another ticking time bomb in stead- taking another painful, ominous, heath-wrenching blow. We were all waiting with baited breath to get a glimpse of the twins & face the kidney diagnoses & find out what life in light of that would look like...

Well, when you wake up after 8 am when you live in the hopsital & find multiple doctors just waiting outside your door to speak with you, be warned.

This morning my Doctor has informed me that the MRI results showed polycystic kidney disease (as expected) AND, yes, a-n-d pulmonary hypoplasia. Another big term: another hurdle for these two little boys and the hundreds of us watching this like a movie in slow motion that never ends.

Enter background music: as I closed the door behind the doctors & began my daily routine this one verse from a song we sang in highschool kept ringing in my mind, "I'm already standing on solid groud." Isn't that the truth? Noah & Jayden, even, are already on solid ground. With God as a foundation to this maze of complications, totally collapsing just won't happen.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for & assurance about what we do not see." As for what I do see, I'm not a happy momma bear. I want to crawl in a hole & pretend the world has stopped turning. But as for what I have no power to see before its time, I can't account for that. I can't despair over something in God's hands. Just like in my previous post, I cannot know the things he has and will do.

Also, I will not have two masters. Satan wants to pull me down into that tempting spot of self pity, doubting God, letting go of hope. God wants to sustain me & not destroy me, give me hope & push me to continue believeing. It's like a big pile of sweets that will give you stitches & slow you down when you're training to be an athlete vs a coach who will puch you to your limits but help you reach your goals and be an accomplished person at the end. So its not so simple to pick the best one every day... but its the best for us.

Today I came across a woman's reflection on a trial with her baby that she is now on the "other side" of. She said that she can no longer regard he baby's diagnoses & her trials as the tragedy that it one was to her because:

"This isn’t something that just happened to William and I, it happened to thousands and thousands of people. My faith and spirituality have grown immeasurably these past four months, but it’s not just me. There are almost 2000 comments I can look back on that would suggest Nora has had a profound effect on MANY. What if the difficulties and tragedies we are dealt in this life aren’t meant for just us personally, but are designed and authored to impact, inspire, and cultivate others? To look at it that way certainly changes my self-centered perspective, and diminishes any self-pity I might have had. The “Why would God do this to me?” question suddenly becomes null and void. In a state of vulnerability and desperation I allowed God to use me as His instrument really because I just. didn’t. know. what. else. to. do. It would have been really nice to see how beautifully everything would unfold back then, but I couldn’t have had a clue. I felt I had no other options but to take the blind leap and give it all to God. Blind leaps of faith can be scary as all hell (speaking from experience), but the splash will be huge and the ripples just might carry to the ends of the earth, impacting and inspiring thousands. Can you trust Him? YES. God can list me as a reference on His resume any day!"

(iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com)

So here's hoping for that outcome.