Good question. I've asked myself this question a few times. I think I can only be so honest on a blog just anyone could come across. So I get cautious when I don't have a handle on what I'm feeling. I don't want my emotions to lead someone astray. I believe that my God can take my anger, my questions & my wayward soul. He is merciful, he is able. I will say again and again to you, my friends, be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. Nothing less is worth your time.
But in the same breath I'm here to tell you today about NOT letting that honesty, that raw true fleshy emotion become your everything. How to feel and not become what you felt is one fine line. To deal with, yet not over-involve, the hand you've been dealt in your life... that's what it comes to.
Overwhelmed seems to understate my stage of grief this past week. Hardly coping. Then my friend's mom sent me a little book with quotes and devotions and when you're at the end of your rope you can give it a shot or bury it in the pile of to read's and to-fixes and to do's... lucky I gave it a shot. One of my first days home {I quit my party planning job... long story ask me sometime} during Hayley's nap and I had no idea where to begin with myself and alone time so here was that book with the white and faded rainbow cover. And I read and sighed and read on and stopped to re-read and copy it down when the truth of the line sank in, "we cannot allow our emotions to reign over our lives. We must be grounded by the truth of God." Simple statement that we "Christians" might graze over looking for the "meat" and thinking we'd heard this fluff before...
So I can't let my emotions reign? Just the way I asked that question in my head made me realize it. No. To feel and not become what was felt...To not let those feelings take the place of truth. To keep God first. Separate. Then what if I keep Hayley & Kyle & finances & everything else separated too... in stead of this sloppy running over of emot-ing into every single thing I do each day?
There is overlapping. Pregnant friends. Friends with babies as old as mine would be. Baby dedications at church. There are places I can't help it.
But there are places that maybe I can. And I didn't realize...
I was Hayley's mom before the twins. And I want to be present and well and grounded for her. And I was Kyle's best friend & wife first. And I am God's above all. I think remembering this can make a difference that matters.
Noah and Jayden will always be cherished, but they are no longer "what's supposed to happen"... they happened. They blessed us with a precious set of hours on earth and they are now gone. And we are here with what is the now. And we can let the "what was supposed to be" {past tense} overwhelm each day or we can talk/think about what now is truly supposed to be. Today Noah and Jayden are supposed to be with Jesus. And we are here. So can we ask today," how can we live with new purpose?" Today is supposed to happen. It's my choice if I let it happen well for me or if I let it happen and pass me by.
I don't want to be left behind from all of my friends and family God HAS left here for me. And though at times I feel set apart because of my loss, that feeling is only as strong as I let it be. People have blessed me by extending themselves, reaching out even when they don't know how and I don't take that for granted. I want to love you back. You, sitting here reading this: Lacy, Marie, Mom, Ibsens, Gloria, Stephanie, Amy... And my heart overflows again with gratitude as I realize this list could go on and on and I haven't hardly started. Oh what God has given to me. Thank you all for being a part.
I think I tripped and stumbled across several different trains of thought in this but I also think you're all smart enough that you see what I'm saying. :)
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Old draft I never published... from a few weeks ago!
Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.
When I think about what to journal or blog its when I'm finally (rarely) alone. It's when I'm slowed down from the blur of working, paying bills, changing sheets, sweeping floors, running errands... and when I reflect its easy to talk about my problems. The little, daily ones. And then I reflect some more and I could talk about some big, hard troubles. We've had enough this year and seen enough around us to last a lifetime. And the elephant in the room is of course the twins and I like to remember them, to talk about them not just in "problem" mode but in joy and remembrance. And people like it when I share both the good and the bad from that and I appreciate the listening ears.
But today I'm going to reflect on my joys with this time I have.
Winter has me awe-struck this year. This is the 4th Canada winter I've been here for. The first I was taking a bus to classes and felt like I'd just moved to the arctic. I learned the hard lesson of wearing good winter boots by falling on the ice one-too-many times. I resented Americans getting snow days as I trekked downtown in 4 feet plus of snow. The next we were newlywed, got a tree from goodwill and I had my first Christmas with the in-laws. It was new and I missed my family and we never went outside. Then came Hayley and she was the spotlight Christmas 2010. We slacked on shovelling the snow but I did put her in 2 snowsuits and wrap her in a blanket every day to go in her stroller and walk the dog. Then was the hot, pregnant-with-twins Africa Christmas where I realized I miss this crazy climate. Now here I am. I LOVE shovelling the snow (unless its windy and still snowing as I do it). I love mitts and scarves and boots. It's a wonderful, white winter-land and I would not have it any other way.
A few more joys that winter has delivered: Hayley's first hot chocolate, fireplace always on, frosty windows making our house feel extra cozy, new flannel checkered sheets, Walks in the frosty forest, deer hunting, peppermint chocolate cookies, black coffee, meeting neighbours while we all shovel, and Italian beef stew (yes a significant bit of these are food-related, what can I say?).
A friend asked me over tea the other morning if I see life differently now. Just after N&J had passed away I remember thinking that things had really warped my view of God... that trusting would be different, that I had seen the ugly and the worst and though I'd choose to believe I'd never feel the same joy. I felt like I was farther than ever from the "child-like faith" we as Christians are called to. But it's the opposite. I am forced to have a renewed faith. I see the smaller joys that I would have ignored before in search of bigger ones. And my trust might seem pretty childish to some... I have big questions, I can't explain it all... but I want and need my faith more than ever before.
When I think about what to journal or blog its when I'm finally (rarely) alone. It's when I'm slowed down from the blur of working, paying bills, changing sheets, sweeping floors, running errands... and when I reflect its easy to talk about my problems. The little, daily ones. And then I reflect some more and I could talk about some big, hard troubles. We've had enough this year and seen enough around us to last a lifetime. And the elephant in the room is of course the twins and I like to remember them, to talk about them not just in "problem" mode but in joy and remembrance. And people like it when I share both the good and the bad from that and I appreciate the listening ears.
But today I'm going to reflect on my joys with this time I have.
Winter has me awe-struck this year. This is the 4th Canada winter I've been here for. The first I was taking a bus to classes and felt like I'd just moved to the arctic. I learned the hard lesson of wearing good winter boots by falling on the ice one-too-many times. I resented Americans getting snow days as I trekked downtown in 4 feet plus of snow. The next we were newlywed, got a tree from goodwill and I had my first Christmas with the in-laws. It was new and I missed my family and we never went outside. Then came Hayley and she was the spotlight Christmas 2010. We slacked on shovelling the snow but I did put her in 2 snowsuits and wrap her in a blanket every day to go in her stroller and walk the dog. Then was the hot, pregnant-with-twins Africa Christmas where I realized I miss this crazy climate. Now here I am. I LOVE shovelling the snow (unless its windy and still snowing as I do it). I love mitts and scarves and boots. It's a wonderful, white winter-land and I would not have it any other way.
A few more joys that winter has delivered: Hayley's first hot chocolate, fireplace always on, frosty windows making our house feel extra cozy, new flannel checkered sheets, Walks in the frosty forest, deer hunting, peppermint chocolate cookies, black coffee, meeting neighbours while we all shovel, and Italian beef stew (yes a significant bit of these are food-related, what can I say?).
A friend asked me over tea the other morning if I see life differently now. Just after N&J had passed away I remember thinking that things had really warped my view of God... that trusting would be different, that I had seen the ugly and the worst and though I'd choose to believe I'd never feel the same joy. I felt like I was farther than ever from the "child-like faith" we as Christians are called to. But it's the opposite. I am forced to have a renewed faith. I see the smaller joys that I would have ignored before in search of bigger ones. And my trust might seem pretty childish to some... I have big questions, I can't explain it all... but I want and need my faith more than ever before.
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