This is what it means to be blessed.

"Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks- take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks" {As when Jesus & the disciples were feeding the 5000} "-and he miraculously makes it more than enough."

 "I redeem time from neglect & apathy & inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down and its giving thanks to God for this moment that multiplies the moments, time made enough."

These are phrases that rang out as I re-read a chapter today from the book I'm slowly pacing through and learning so much from. Ann Voskamp is explaining how she learned to slow time down & fill it up with God's glory and abundance... so as to live fully joyful.

Then today's sermon in church was about how hanging on to the gifts that we're given from God- in stead of receiving them open-handed and being willing to leave them in God's power and care- causes us not to be all that we can be; or causes us not to feel fulfilled by those things. As the pastor put it, "It costs us when we won't let go."

God blesses us all of the time if we're willing to acknowledge that fact. We are blessed to breathe, we are blessed to have family, we are blessed with children, we are blessed with jobs, we are blessed with being able to eat & live under roofs & you name it. Everything is God's. Therefore EVERYTHING you have- including your very own body, your very own talents- are HIS and he has chosen to give those things to you. Oh how much we must miss in a day... even in a moment. We are constantly blessed.

So what if we could see those things as gifts that are not rightfully, fully ours. What if everything was received as the pastor said "with open hands." Can we learn to take a gift and be ready to give it back or share it or have it taken away as the Lord sees fit? Can we leave it all up to God? Woah- you might think- that's a lot!! And it is. The final point in the sermon this morning: PLEASING GOD COSTS EVERYTHING.

So our kids, our money {what? The money "I" earn? Yes. God gives you those skills & that job, too.}... are those things that we can let go of? Can we realize that though we are called to be good stewards & be responsible with those things that that's it- that we aren't called to micro-manage God's ultimate plan and cling to this & that... we aren't supposed to depend on those things or idolize them. They are the gifts, God will do with them as He sees fit & that will bring about the most fulfillment.

As Ann Voskamp said that she can redeem time from neglect & apathy and inattentiveness when she swells with thanks, so we can redeem blessing from those places where there used to be worry & controlling & selfishness & dependence on things other than Him... by also swelling with thanks. By acknowledging gifts for what they are.

Often I've wondered if being at peace with Noah & Jayden's death so soon after was a dangerous, bad thing. We are told to grieve grieve grieve... but can I not also find space for joy & blessing when I recognize my sons as not my own? They were God's... and he gave me the gift of feeling them inside & of marks left behind from them & of 62 hours, more than half of which were spent cradling sweet Jayden in my arms. And the gift of remembering them & honoring them here on earth. And then God took that gift back.

Why did he take my gifts back? Well there's one logical, scientific answer that we have now received since Noah and Jayden's preliminary autopsies: they would likely have only lived 10 years WITH multiple kidney & lung transplants- best case scenario. They had a genetic kidney disease. Maybe God's purpose for them was always short-lived... not that he gave them that disease! But he gave them to me knowing about it. So now he's taken them back & there's a void in my life. And this morning the pastor said- "When he asks for everything you have, He's not out to get you." When he takes what was given to you he only wants to fill you more. "He gives so we can give so he can give again."

And I am living testimony that that void can be filled. Yesterday as I listened to these lyrics: I remembered Noah & Jayden's little lives.

They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

...I remembered Noah & Jayden's little lives. And I also remembered everything I've been learning one baby-step at a time since that day, 71 days ago, and all of the blessings I've recognized unfolding since then. I wandered up the staircase and rested in the hallway, toes sinking hard into plush vacuumed lines of carpet, and looked at my two sons... the pictures & the ashes. I smiled & breathed deep. I went to put a few things in their places in the office & spoke aloud, "We wanted you here." I passed their picture again as I wandered reflectively into my bedroom and whispered, "Sweet precious little boys" with a fading-still-sweet-in-my-soul-smile and quiver of my chin. I thought about greif. I wondered when I last cried. I wondered when I last gave thanks. I find myself in the walk-in, reaching up to the shelf with the memory boxes. Warm, welcoming blue and brown printed boxes full of hair locks, photographs, blankets, onezies, hand & footprints... Then they're opened up on my striped duvet, spread out across covers and bathed in the afternoon sunlight coming in. And I wept. And I smiled. And I said Amen. Then I pack them up tightly, rinse my face & go downstairs to my other blessings... my now blessings: my family, my kitchen, my deck, my summer, my flowers... HIS blessings.