So why haven't you blogged lately?

Good question. I've asked myself this question a few times. I think I can only be so honest on a blog just anyone could come across. So I get cautious when I don't have a handle on what I'm feeling. I don't want my emotions to lead someone astray. I believe that my God can take my anger, my questions & my wayward soul. He is merciful, he is able. I will say again and again to you, my friends, be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. Nothing less is worth your time.

But in the same breath I'm here to tell you today about NOT letting that honesty, that raw true fleshy emotion become your everything. How to feel and not become what you felt is one fine line. To deal with, yet not over-involve, the hand you've been dealt in your life... that's what it comes to.

Overwhelmed seems to understate my stage of grief this past week. Hardly coping. Then my friend's mom sent me a little book with quotes and devotions and when you're at the end of your rope you can give it a shot or bury it in the pile of to read's and to-fixes and to do's... lucky I gave it a shot. One of my first days home {I quit my party planning job... long story ask me sometime} during Hayley's nap and I had no idea where to begin with myself and alone time so here was that book with the white and faded rainbow cover. And I read and sighed and read on and stopped to re-read and copy it down when the truth of the line sank in, "we cannot allow our emotions to reign over our lives. We must be grounded by the truth of God." Simple statement that we "Christians" might graze over looking for the "meat" and thinking we'd heard this fluff before...

So I can't let my emotions reign? Just the way I asked that question in my head made me realize it. No. To feel and not become what was felt...To not let those feelings take the place of truth. To keep God first. Separate. Then what if I keep Hayley & Kyle & finances & everything else separated too... in stead of this sloppy running over of emot-ing into every single thing I do each day?

There is overlapping. Pregnant friends. Friends with babies as old as mine would be. Baby dedications at church. There are places I can't help it.

But there are places that maybe I can. And I didn't realize...

I was Hayley's mom before the twins. And I want to be present and well and grounded for her. And I was Kyle's best friend & wife first. And I am God's above all. I think remembering this can make a difference that matters.

Noah and Jayden will always be cherished, but they are no longer "what's supposed to happen"... they happened. They blessed us with a precious set of hours on earth and they are now gone. And we are here with what is the now. And we can let the "what was supposed to be" {past tense} overwhelm each day or we can talk/think about what now is truly supposed to be. Today Noah and Jayden are supposed to be with Jesus. And we are here. So can we ask today," how can we live with new purpose?" Today is supposed to happen. It's my choice if I let it happen well for me or if I let it happen and pass me by.

I don't want to be left behind from all of my friends and family God HAS left here for me. And though at times I feel set apart because of my loss, that feeling is only as strong as I let it be. People have blessed me by extending themselves, reaching out even when they don't know how and I don't take that for granted. I want to love you back. You, sitting here reading this: Lacy, Marie, Mom, Ibsens, Gloria, Stephanie, Amy... And my heart overflows again with gratitude as I realize this list could go on and on and I haven't hardly started. Oh what God has given to me. Thank you all for being a part.

I think I tripped and stumbled across several different trains of thought in this but I also think you're all smart enough that you see what I'm saying. :)

Old draft I never published... from a few weeks ago!

Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.

When I think about what to journal or blog its when I'm finally (rarely) alone. It's when I'm slowed down from the blur of working, paying bills, changing sheets, sweeping floors, running errands... and when I reflect its easy to talk about my problems. The little, daily ones. And then I reflect some more and I could talk about some big, hard troubles. We've had enough this year and seen enough around us to last a lifetime. And the elephant in the room is of course the twins and I like to remember them, to talk about them not just in "problem" mode but in joy and remembrance. And people like it when I share both the good and the bad from that and I appreciate the listening ears.

But today I'm going to reflect on my joys with this time I have.

Winter has me awe-struck this year. This is the 4th Canada winter I've been here for. The first I was taking a bus to classes and felt like I'd just moved to the arctic. I learned the hard lesson of wearing good winter boots by falling on the ice one-too-many times. I resented Americans getting snow days as I trekked downtown in 4 feet plus of snow. The next we were newlywed, got a tree from goodwill and I had my first Christmas with the in-laws. It was new and I missed my family and we never went outside. Then came Hayley and she was the spotlight Christmas 2010. We slacked on shovelling the snow but I did put her in 2 snowsuits and wrap her in a blanket every day to go in her stroller and walk the dog. Then was the hot, pregnant-with-twins Africa Christmas where I realized I miss this crazy climate. Now here I am. I LOVE shovelling the snow (unless its windy and still snowing as I do it). I love mitts and scarves and boots. It's a wonderful, white winter-land and I would not have it any other way.

A few more joys that winter has delivered: Hayley's first hot chocolate, fireplace always on, frosty windows making our house feel extra cozy, new flannel checkered sheets, Walks in the frosty forest, deer hunting, peppermint chocolate cookies, black coffee, meeting neighbours while we all shovel, and Italian beef stew (yes a significant bit of these are food-related, what can I say?).

A friend asked me over tea the other morning if I see life differently now. Just after N&J had passed away I remember thinking that things had really warped my view of God... that trusting would be different, that I had seen the ugly and the worst and though I'd choose to believe I'd never feel the same joy. I felt like I was farther than ever from the "child-like faith" we as Christians are called to. But it's the opposite. I am forced to have a renewed faith. I see the smaller joys that I would have ignored before in search of bigger ones. And my trust might seem pretty childish to some... I have big questions, I can't explain it all... but I want and need my faith more than ever before.

Making memories-- for us and for the future "us's"

This walk that we did today raises support for the Lois Hole Center for Women: my home for 6 weeks this year, Noah & Jayden's birth place, Noah & Jayden's last place.  If you've seen the memorial pictures or read a few of my Noah & Jayden blog posts, you've probably heard mention of the clay molds that were made of their hands & feet. We also received teddy bears from the hospital, handprints, footprints, black ones & silver ones, locks of hair, free photography & 2 special memory boxes to hold everything. When Kyle was handed Noah as his heart slowed, he was seated in a comfortable recliner & when it was time to take Jayden off of life support, we were put in a special room and booked for 2 nights in it. These little things may seem like little things to you, but perhaps you can take a moment 'in my shoes' and imagine the world's difference these objects have made in my remembering and in my healing. Today money went to having those rooms & those sentiments for millions of other parents & siblings in need. Today there were TONS of teddy bears collected. And all at the same time there were THOUSANDS, no joke, thousands of babies remembered. From start to finish of this walk were names on the sidewalk of babies lost. It was overwhelming for lack of a better word to see how many people this happened to just in our area. Makes me feel not so misunderstood, not so alone, super bummed that anyone else has had to walk this road too, desperate for those who go through this without the hope I have, Sad, proud to be honoring these families. I know how they need this. And I know how parents in the future will need the room, the bears, the chairs, the prints and so on. 

A prayer, of sorts.

Alone. Able to hear you. Able to stop and watch for you. To breathe deep. To relax. My head fills and I see clearly again. The days are a blur. Tasks, responsibilities, should have's & could have's, Fixin' to's and don't forget this! What's so urgent that I'd forget what's most important? Apparently anything. Everything. Fill up on gas, return this, buy this, eat, sweep, don't miss Ellen, give Kyle a break, lend an ear to a friend, lend a hand to another, cook, dress appropriately, don't be late... ... ... and it never stops. Until you just make the choice to. To see the leaves changing color. The hear the wind or feel the road beneath your feet. And time is suddenly for me, not against me. And I am for you not against you and you pull me nearer to you when I give you that moment. And my heart beats with the heavens in the silence. Whether I stop thinking about where I'm going in the car to notice what's out the window or I find an open field and go there-- you are in whatever place I search for you, God. If only remembering to look wasn't something I had to remember at all.

Brain dead and blogging!

Life Lately...

 We got our drive way poured a while back and only have landscaping left to go! They measured for top soil this week so it should be coming soon :) I can't wait to have a tree and bushes and grass... just seconds before it snows! Just kidding (sort of)... it is a lovely fall here so far! The trees are turning and I am itching to get away from it all with my camera and some trees. Speaking of trees, we've discovered the Spruce Grove participark! I don't think I mentioned that our new house is not in Edmonton... we are out of the city in Spruce Grove (that's West and North headed towards mountains... I like to think also headed towards the coast... realistically its only 20 mins closer than Edmonton was). We are quite literally nestled in spruce trees and nature in general though this little town has great amenities, too. The Participark is a nature trail that goes from one end of town to the other- you can walk through the middle of town and around the outsides and feel like you're in the middle of a forest. So we've busted out our new MEC jogging stroller and our old dusty running shoes and we've been running together. And it feels... so many different ways...

Day 1 of jogging I did a chunk of the run with quite a few little stops then sent Kyle on half way though and took over the stroller to walk the rest of the way home. My feet moved with little effort as I drudged through the difficult emotional battle I now faced since I'd decided to take on running again. It's the tug of war between wanting this and hating this. Hating this for reasons no one else gets. I didn't mind working off a belly with a bundled little Hayley in her stroller mid-winter 2010-- its not the same when you don't have those new little lives to look back at you one laborious, body breaking pregnancy later. I'm heavier, my joints have been worn on more, my abs HURT like never before. Tough. I sucked back tears of disappointment all the way home day 1. Disappointed in my not running better, disappointed in my body, disappointed with my lot in life.

Day 2 I didn't stop until I'd completed more than the day before- with no stops. I felt good. My hubby was proud. I enjoyed the family time. I enjoyed the weather. I enjoyed me not pregnant & me being myself. It's a mind game. How you live really can depend on your attitude. Though my pain is inevitable at times, it isn't unbearable when I find things that don't hurt to celebrate.

Day 3 was also a success and Day 4 was smoky so we bailed early and spent the evening with friends.

Everything's a process. Moving forward can sometimes feel like "two steps back, one step forward, another back, and then a lunge forward again... and repeat."

I started my new job last month. I'm good at it. Most days I do arts and crafts, I organize, I run errands. Most days it is all good. I work less hours than Kyle had to, Kyle and Hayley are LOVING their time together, Kyle's getting a lot done around the house & preparing to apply for the Police, its sort of like finally getting to have a hobby & we have so much more family time. Some days I remember just how different this is from what I was supposed to be doing with my life right now... almost 4 months after my sons were born. And those days hurt a little. Those are the days its hard to put one foot in front of another. Those are the days I tell other moms to cherish like I never would have before-- diaper change after diaper change, rocking until your head thinks its rocking when you're not, nursing so much you may as well not wear a shirt, snapping pictures when you can & sitting up with them into the night. And then I think of Hayley and I and how we'd be with Noah and Jayden in our old stay at home together life... and I miss something I never REALLY had.

So like I said-- moving on-- its so hard. But it will be good and it is good. I want to be a family Noah and Jayden would WANT if they peeked down from Heaven today. A family smiling, laughing, loving, playing. A family remembering and loving them... and remembering and loving each other for the gifts that we all are.

So here's some more update on us- the 3 Ibsens down here making the most of what may come!

 "Uncle's" Came to Visit at the beginning of this month! Mark (above) is one of our GREAT buds from high school and Josh (below) was one of Kyle's dorm brother's growing up. It's rare to have Africa family close since we all come from all over, but we keep up with these two cool catz.

 Since Mommy's in the business of princesses & fairies, Hayley's been getting into it to!

 We had to replace our (brand new) table because it got bubbles in it, but yay! It was free.

 Hayley and I have squeezed in a little bit of baking! These were especially wonderful pumpkin cookies (same ones I made every fall with my mom as a kid).

 I practice my face painting for work ALL THE TIME on my cute munchkin... I mean, who wouldn't?

And just last week Uncle Charles treated Hayley (and mom & Dad) to her first hockey game! It was a huge success!

And I have managed a blog in under half an hour... and have managed about half an hour to myself... that's more rare than ever these days!

They left a lot of love here when they flew away...

These are the priceless photos from Noah Adam Ibsen & Jayden Isaac Ibsen's memorial. One of those special things we get to do for them in their memory. One of the gifts we were granted. Like the gift of hearing their cries before Noah left us and before Jayden was hooked up to too many little tubes to make a sound. And the gift of seeing Jayden open his eyes, and holding him, and signing to him with his big sister through the little window in his incubator and reading her books to him before he joined his brother.

 Kyle's sister, Kerrianne painted this gorgeous, god-inspired painting of our little guys. Maybe this is exactly how they'll look when they come up to us at the pearly gates before we pick them up and wrap them in our arms again.

 Thank you, Leah for these sweet onesies. They added a special loving touch.

 These are some more tangible gifts we are blessed to have. The nurses created molds of their hands and feet for us. 

 This is where we put Noah & Jayden's ashes at the memorial service: into two eggs symbolizing that I (mom) was only a vessel for them here on Earth... keeping them as safe as I could. Though the ashes are in 2 eggs, we had them cremated together.

 Above the eggs with their ashes, we hung these wreaths with birds... symbolizing that they are now free & have flown away... to a beautiful open clear and perfect sky.

 This was a wonderful vision & story God sent to Kerrianne about our boys.

 These lilies are waiting to be planted in our garden in their memory.

 These trees (thanks to Jess & Jon Schultz) held little cards clipped in nest magnets for everyone to take home in Noah & Jayden's memory. Thank-you Kerrianne, Mom Ibsen, Cori & Hayley for your help creating these.

 We still have a lot of these available for friends & family if you see it and want one. I'm happy to send some out!

 We had a little reception with close friends & family following the service... pies & punch included. Thanks to so many wonderful people for bringing pies and things.

 My cousin Lacy sent me this verse during my pregnancy & it has carried me and so many others through- thanks for listening to God's subtle urges & sharing this with me... you've reached farther than you know!

 Thank-you, Pastor Dave for your love and sensitivity for us and our sons!

 Thank-you family & friends who took the time to stop and adore our sons... I felt like I got to be the proud mommy that day and show my boys off! Thank you for your respect and love for them.

 Sisters: Family & Friends made this event not just bitter but sweet. Thanks for your support.

 I have to say a special thank you to Rich & Kim Scultz for letting us share your beautiful property not only that day but many many long, fun summer afternoons that we'll never forget!

And to Jenny & Ryan for helping us set up for this special time.

 So many churches came together to bring us love. The body of Christ is an amazing thing. Thanks so SGAC for providing childcare. And what a beautiful day it turned out to be so the kids could be outside!

 Pies: Because these boys were half-Southern ;)

 Words can't express the deep love Kyle's parents and my own have shown. Dan & Melodie sat with us through Jayden's last night and wept and prayed over him with us. My mom & Dad (and brother, love you Dill!) flew a pretty long way for a pretty short time and we felt the love.